Im just so useless. Theres many things i want to complete but i cant; simply because im juz so useless. I cant understand what is taught to me. I cant catch up with my work. I just cant keep up with everyone and everything.
My life is hectic. My timetable is upside down. Yet, theres many things waiting for me to complete. I can feel the stress mounting on me and the more i think of the workload waiting for me, the more i shrink in fear. Everything is just too fast. Im stressed..very stressed. Im worried i will get retain... and my family aint helping.
People always say that family are the ones who will always support whatever u are doing. But i dont see how so. Here i am so stressed, so busy, so drained up. And there they are, making things difficult for me. I wanted to stay overnight at Ken`s house to help out with the WR. And what did they do? They juz disallowed me to stayovernight. I merely asked my mother whether I can stay over to chiong the WR which is due the very next day... and what did she say? W/o even asking further, she juz gave a flat NO.
Ok nvm. Then the very fact that my lousy idiotic com juz dont have microsoft words added even more troubles. I need WORDS for WR, for national day stuff, for my homeworkS. Then whenevr i asked my father, he simply said tt this com juz dont support it. Ok nvm. Then my mother told a diff story. She told me tt my father wnated to punish me for lying tt why my com dont have microsoft word. LIKE WTH. SINCE WHEN I LIED? And even if this is a punishment, HE SHOULD HAVE THE DECENCY TO EXPLAIN TT THIS IS A PUNISHMENT AND TELL ME WHY M I PUNISHED. SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? THEY ARE SCREWING UP MY LIFE. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLES IT CAUSE ME JUZ BECAUSE I CANT HAVE MICRSOFT WORDS AND INTERNET TOGETHER? I HAVE TO SKIP THOUSAND AND ONE BREAKS AND LUNCH JUST TO COMPLETE MY STUFFS. THESE ARE NOT ANY FUN STUFF . THESE ARE SCHOOLWORK!!
Ok nvm. Then whever i told them I need to go blbala place to chiong my project or whatever cos its due the next day. Then they will always ask why i everything last minute. BLBALABLA. Then the latest, today theres some national day stuff and it coincide withh the bursary award. Then my father said tt WHY ERVYTIME LAST MINUTE? THIS IS NOT HOW U ALL SHOULD PLAN STUFFS. YOU ALL SHOULD FORESEE THAT THIS KIND OF LAST MINUTE MEETING IS NEEDED PRIOR TO THE ACTUAL DAY AND INCLUDE THIS IN YOUR TIME PLAN EVEN IF YOU ALL EVENTUALLY DONT NEED THIS LAST MINUTE MEETING. omg. this is just so ridiculous! Organising my life is a sort of planing. Am i suppose to BOOK A FUNERAL , BUY A COFFIN AND WRITE MY WILL NOW cos i wont know when i will die. And since Im not suppose to do things last minute and do all the above stated only one day before i die, dont u think i shld start planing my own funeral like now cos i might just die tmr? ABSURD.
This is just driving me crazy. and the reason why i suddenly burst out is because it drove me to my limits. I have been very tolerant. I have been very kind and nice and have NOT EVEN ONCE QUARREL OR ARGUE WITH MY PARENTS. How many children in this world dont even quarrel with their parents not even one time? How many children in ths world not once requested for materialistic stuff like Mp3, handphone, computer, com games blablabla? How many children in this world just let you rant on even when you had wronged and maligned them ? How many children in this world just let you criticse them and let you say that their reaction very slow, they are not as clever as their siblings [ though their results showed otherwise], and that they are useless? I can tell you practically NOONE LOR. It had been 17 years..i have been very patient and tolerating. BUT I can no longer endure this kind of nonsense. They simply took me for granted. Instead of comparing my weakness to their fren`s children`s strength, can they for once, look at what im good at?
Whatever. My family jsut dont understand me. They dont understand the rigors of the new generation. They dont understand the stress Jc life is putting me through. If i get retained this yr... my mother will just give me tt I-told-you-so look and will say tt I should listen to her and go to poly whereby poly life is more relaxing and easier for me to cope. And continued that now im wasting one year and its all my fault tt i didnt listen to her in the first place. YAYA. WHATEVER. Everytime i tell my mother my setbacks, instead of consoling me or encouraging me, she juz simply slapped me with some negative comments. LIKE WTH. I already felt so terrible..i dont need you to make me feel even more horrible and inferior.
I have high expectations of myself. I have high hopes for the future. I have the perfectionist nature in me. Everything I do, I hope to give in my best. Everything I do, theres reason for it. Now Im losing hope. I tink im just so useless. I think im just a failure. I think i just sux and shldnt have the privillege to be alive- cos im just a useless person who is wasting Singapore alrdy so limited resources.
I canot take it...i really cannot take it. If this goes on, I know i will go crazy. I know i will become suicidal. I know i will jsut have to leave this place forever. Im now feeling very stress- both mentally and emotionally. And i dont know how long can i still keep my sanity. Despite me looking alright on the surface, internally , im currently having a very fierce battle emotionally and mentally. I realli dont know whenn this battle will end....
I kept on wanting for someone to understand me, someone to take the iniative to keep things going, someone to give me hope. But I think i should chuck this thought aside.. ppl got their own troubles to handle; ppl got their got own life to run. I shouldnt be so selfish and keep on wishing for someone to do all these.Plus its torturous to wait for my wish to come true.
Yes, i have given up all hope. Now im just an empty shell and vaccum is begining to occupy my heart. So right now I want to apologise everyone. Cos in future, I might become someone who is heartless; someone void of all emotion.And i might do things that hurt others..
Ok.My tear ducts have stop working and I have just wasted 50ml of water and also wasted nearly 05minutes of everyone time reading this stupid entry. I shall end my entry now. Dont worry, I will try my best to remain optimistic and cheerful so as not to affect ppl ard me... Also, Im really sorry if I have hurt anyone with my blunt words lately.
Sorry.
Jewel at
7:36 pm
